Movie Hawk

Welcome to North Suburbia, New York. When you spend a decent portion of your episode in two of the highest-profile cities in the world but you put your finish line somewhere where little kids – probably with names like Buffy and Thurston – go to school, you didn’t plan your leg correctly. ‘Sall I’m sayin’. Anyway, it’s only a matter of time until Saint Joseph’s University buys this property and awkwardly names it after a rich alumnus. Until then, it will serve simply as the twelfth and final pit stop…in a racearoundtheworld. Previously, there was a rather enjoyable group of racers. But it got 30% less tolerable when the two most unique teams got knocked out within the first hour. But Peter had his ass handed to him both in the race and in his budding relationship. So there’s some hope for humanity, after all. There are no more eliminations, so the only question left is…who will win? Ignore the accompanying picture.

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Welcome to Barcelona, Spain. Home to the 1992 Olympics, Barcelona is a majestic city with rich culture, beautiful landscape, and virtually nothing to make fun of. It is also apparently the tomato throwing capital of the world, but we’ll get to that later. Barcelona was the four hundred and eighty seventh (believe me, it feels like it) pit stop…in a racearoundtheworld. Last week, a bunch of bunches made up for Dustin and Kandice’s airport woes, allowing them to arrive seconds before LynLyn at the Yield. Their lack of directional fortitude got them in more trouble, though, as they arrived fourth at a Detour with only three stations and were forced to wait, landing them in last place. But the guillotine was not ready for them, as they were Marked for Elimination. Who will be the unfortunate team cast aside…next?

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Welcome to Ouarzazate, Morocco. Have I made any Aladdin jokes yet? Ah, well, here come some more. “Oh I come from a land, from a far away place, where the caravan camels roam. When they cut off your ear if they don’t like your face…it’s barbaric, but hey, it’s home.” Interestingly, those lyrics were actually written with LynLyn in mind. And not matter what you think of the strategery that goes on in this leg, Morocco was the tenth pit stop…in a racearoundtheworld. Last week, your humble recapper was still digesting Thanksgiving dinner and didn’t get to post a recap, but let’s quickly go over what we learned: nice guys finish last. WinWin perpetuated the LoserPack alliance, basically running a terrible leg but resting on the fact that they could beat LynLyn in a footrace to the mat. LynLyn, in their first stroke of intelligence this entire race, ditched WinWin after the boys led them on something like 42 wrong turns complete with stops to ask directions. LynLyn got to the pit stop long before WinWin did, and our friendly Cho brothers were Philiminated. Let’s be honest: they brought a water pistol into the airport during the first leg; we knew they weren’t exactly the brightest racers. With WinWin out of the way, who will be eliminated….next?

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In the ten-season history of The Amazing Race, no team has been reviled more than Rob and Amber, the conniving couple who appeared on two versions of Survivor before racing all the way to second place in TAR 7. Maybe they’re deserving of the vitriol; after all, they conned teams into taking a time penalty instead of finishing a Roadblock that even Rob couldn’t handle. Even so, racers regularly blast each other for the way they play the game; most recently, single mothers Lyn and Karlyn have taken a “holier than thou” attitude towards beauty queens Dustin and Kandice, especially when the models exercised their Yield option after arriving to the appropriate mat seconds before LynLyn. At home, viewers call that kind of behavior deplorable. For example, my grandmother would be broken up if the models were to win the competition after their “nasty” yielding tactics, and she’ll likely refuse to watch the all-star incarnation of the Race if Rob and Amber take another run at the million. The important thing I keep trying to stress when defending the beauty queens is that the show’s title, though goofily simple, is The Amazing Race, not The Amazing Campaign to Show Your Moral Superiority.

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Welcome to Helsinki, Finland. Known for its lush countryside, rich culture, and….aw, screw it. Here’s why Finland is by far the coolest destination the Race has ever seen:

• Its president, Tarja Halonen, looks like Conan O’Brien. Conan even visited the country and had a sit-down with her.
• Helsinki is the home of Artur Surov.

Finland was…hmm, how do I phrase this without ruining the end of this recap? Okay, let’s try this: Finland was yet another destination…in a racearoundtheworld. Last week, we learned that alliances are incredibly stupid, as evidenced by the fact that the Intersection, a new twist in the Race, forced WinWin to work with the Beauty Queens after the rest of the six pack arrived at the Intersection and teamed up before they got there. The result? WinWin finished fourth, after the Barbies and the Slow Forward teams, while the six pack lost two members. David and Mary, sorry, but you could only be non-eliminated so many times.

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Welcome to Madagascar. Madagascar borders on the Adriatic, and its chief export is chrome. No, wait, that’s Albania. Let me check my Google Earth. Ah, there it is. Madagascar is a huge island located off the coast of Africa, and if I remember my elementary school education correctly, its chief export is vanilla. Yum. Anyway, big ol’ island was the eighth pit stop…in a racearoundtheworld. Last week…well, last week was rather pointless, as David and Mary flexed all their stupidity muscles and finished last, only to be saved by the second non-Philimination in three weeks. Who will see the edge of Phil’s axe…next?

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Welcome to Mauritius. Yeah, we never heard of it until this episode either. But get this, when the Portuguese discovered the island in the 17th Century, they came upon a new species of bird that they nicknamed the dodo. Teams should feel pretty at home here, then. But, anyway, Mauritius is, uh…French, and stuff. It’s really pretty boring, as far as I can see. That’s the problem when you go to paradise: there’s nothing to make fun of. At least until television stars start driving drunk around your island. Then it gets a little bit annoying. Mauritius, for all its inability to be funny to me, was the seventh pit stop…in a racearoundtheworld . Teams raced here from Kuwait City, where we learned last week…well, we didn’t learn much, per se. It was reconfirmed for us, though, that Peter was a gigantic toolbag, as he and Sarah were uncerimoniously Philiminated, and I mourned for not being able to fit in a The Fugitive joke their entire time on the race. Who will be eliminated…next?

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Welcome to Kuwait City, Kuwait. Yes, American laziness in naming capital cities has now reached international locales. Soon to follow will be an obesity crisis and an overdependence on technology. It’s going to be fun to watch. Just thinking of Kuwait brings back memories of the early 1990’s, when the First Gulf War, George H.W. Bush, and Aladdin dominated the cultural landscape. It feels like a lifetime ago. I mean, Saturday Night Live was still relevant. Jeez. Anyway, Kuwait and its capital city were the sixth pit stop…in a racearoundtheworld. Last week, we learned that it may be better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, but it’s better to get a confirmed flight than to show up in East Jibip with no tickets at all, like David and Mary did. Fortunately, they encountered the first non-elimination leg of the race, and were sent away from the mat Marked for Elimination (coming this Memorial Day to theatres near you). Who will be cast aside…next?

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Welcome to Chennai, India. Formerly known as Madras, Chennai is the capital of the Indian state of Tamil Nadu. Pronunciation doesn’t really get any easier as we continue on from there, so let’s not even try. Chennai was the fifth pit stop…in a racearoundtheworld. Last week, your humble recapper fell asleep on the job and didn’t post a recap. So let quickly go over what we learned, hm? During an ascending Roadblock, we learned that it’s best to have full functionality of your limbs, and you’d think after the Great Wall incident, Peter and Sarah would have figured that out. As a result of Sarah’s poor decision making, we got to learn more about how much of a jackass Peter is, and the team set the record for how quickly they went from being someone to root for to the token dysfunctional couple. Maybe that will be a portion of the next triathlon they try. We also learned, once again, that it’s important to read your clue, as Dustin and Kandice and Tom and Jerry wind up trying to do way too much, and it hurts Tom and Jerry more, as they wind up quite literally dragging themselves to Philimination. Shame, because they’re just the kind of likeable idiots that need to stay around longer. What pair of fools will be cut from the ch-ch-chain…next?

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Welcome to Hanoi, Vietnam. Home to more than three million people, Hanoi is located in the northern half of Vietnam. Translation: don’t expect an overly friendly welcome, especially if you’re American and you walk around town wearing fatigues. That’s also frowned upon in Lower Merion, especially when you have a bushy beard and a plastic revolver in your car, but that’s another story for another day. Hanoi is capital of unified Vietnam and the oldest capital city in Southeast Asia. More to the point, it was the third pit stop…in a racearoundtheworld.

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