Because, Y’know, “Race”
In the ten-season history of The Amazing Race, no team has been reviled more than Rob and Amber, the conniving couple who appeared on two versions of Survivor before racing all the way to second place in TAR 7. Maybe they’re deserving of the vitriol; after all, they conned teams into taking a time penalty instead of finishing a Roadblock that even Rob couldn’t handle. Even so, racers regularly blast each other for the way they play the game; most recently, single mothers Lyn and Karlyn have taken a “holier than thou” attitude towards beauty queens Dustin and Kandice, especially when the models exercised their Yield option after arriving to the appropriate mat seconds before LynLyn. At home, viewers call that kind of behavior deplorable. For example, my grandmother would be broken up if the models were to win the competition after their “nasty” yielding tactics, and she’ll likely refuse to watch the all-star incarnation of the Race if Rob and Amber take another run at the million. The important thing I keep trying to stress when defending the beauty queens is that the show’s title, though goofily simple, is The Amazing Race, not The Amazing Campaign to Show Your Moral Superiority.
Putting the “Hell” in Helsinki
Welcome to Helsinki, Finland. Known for its lush countryside, rich culture, and….aw, screw it. Here’s why Finland is by far the coolest destination the Race has ever seen:
-
Its president, Tarja Halonen, looks like Conan O’Brien. Conan even visited the country and had a sit-down with her.
-
Helsinki is the home of Artur Surov.
Finland was…hmm, how do I phrase this without ruining the end of this recap? Okay, let’s try this: Finland was yet another destination…in a racearoundtheworld. Last week, we learned that alliances are incredibly stupid, as evidenced by the fact that the Intersection, a new twist in the Race, forced WinWin to work with the Beauty Queens after the rest of the six pack arrived at the Intersection and teamed up before they got there. The result? WinWin finished fourth, after the Barbies and the Slow Forward teams, while the six pack lost two members. David and Mary, sorry, but you could only be non-eliminated so many times.
Four Bottles of Morons on the Wall
Welcome to Madagascar. Madagascar borders on the Adriatic, and its chief export is chrome. No, wait, that’s Albania. Let me check my Google Earth. Ah, there it is. Madagascar is a huge island located off the coast of Africa, and if I remember my elementary school education correctly, its chief export is vanilla. Yum. Anyway, big ol’ island was the eighth pit stop…in a racearoundtheworld. Last week…well, last week was rather pointless, as David and Mary flexed all their stupidity muscles and finished last, only to be saved by the second non-Philimination in three weeks. Who will see the edge of Phil’s axe…next?
Crazy Old Mauritius
Welcome to Mauritius. Yeah, we never heard of it until this episode either. But get this, when the Portuguese discovered the island in the 17th Century, they came upon a new species of bird that they nicknamed the dodo. Teams should feel pretty at home here, then. But, anyway, Mauritius is, uh…French, and stuff. It’s really pretty boring, as far as I can see. That’s the problem when you go to paradise: there’s nothing to make fun of. At least until television stars start driving drunk around your island. Then it gets a little bit annoying. Mauritius, for all its inability to be funny to me, was the seventh pit stop…in a racearoundtheworld . Teams raced here from Kuwait City, where we learned last week…well, we didn’t learn much, per se. It was reconfirmed for us, though, that Peter was a gigantic toolbag, as he and Sarah were uncerimoniously Philiminated, and I mourned for not being able to fit in a The Fugitive joke their entire time on the race. Who will be eliminated…next?
Systemic Anomalies
Nothing major to write about today, so instead let’s reach into the grab bag that is the Interwebs.
- Speed Racer will be a real life, live action movie, directed by Larry and Andy Wachowski, the guys responsible for the mindblowing film The Matrix and the…mindblowingly underwhelming The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions. Somehow I can’t get the image of Racer X punching Speed in the stomach and slowly turning him into a clone.
- Kazakh movie theaters will “probably” not screen Borat. I recommend the U.S. follow suit. Borat is the next step in the devolution of comedy started by Napoleon Dynamite. I, of course, will wind up seeing it, liking it, and hating myself for it.
- Fraggle Rock will be a movie. Remember when George Lucas re-released the original Star Wars trilogy in theatres because of all the hype around The Phantom Menace? Might I suggest the re-release of The Muppets Take Manhattan to lead into this release?
- And, for what it’s worth, LOST is on tonight. You can follow all the action over at Balls, Sticks, & Stuff as loyal Moviehawk reader Tom G. liveblogs the episode.