Team: Andie and Jenna
Relationship: Birth Mother and Biological Daughter
Team Nickname: I’m thinking….Team Warbucks? Little Orphan Annie?

From what I can gather, Andie gave Jenna up when she was born, and they just recently reconnected. As with all teams that use the Race as a platform to get to know each other, I’m sure this will be a wildly successful venture. For those of you whose browsers don’t support <sarcasm> tags, I predict that they’ll either be booted in the first three legs or go deep but annoy the hell out of each other and us.

Team: Brooke and Claire
Relationship: HSN Co-hosts, Friends
Team Nickname: Team But Wait, There’s More!

These two will do well if there’s plenty of “sell useless goods to uninterested locals” challenges. Brooke says that her pet peeve about Claire is that “she is really bossy and gets easily offended when I don’t listen to her advice.” If there weren’t so many infomercial jokes to make about them, we might be able to focus more on their inevitable meltdowns.

Team: Chad and Stephanie
Relationship: Dating
Team Nickname: Hell…I don’t care enough about these guys to come up with a nickname.

Attractive dating couple seeks adventure, minimal fame. Likes: airport drama, phony “alliances,” Yielding teams that did nothing to them. Dislikes: each other, probably.

Team: Connor and Jonanthon
Relationship: Friends, Princeton Classmates
Team Nickname: Sheldon and Leonard

Like the cowboys before them, I predict that these guys will have a blast running the Race together, and I hope they last as long. Connor’s goal is to “beat Phil Keoghan in a foot race.” If only all the contestants were this self aware.

Team: Gary and Mallory
Relationship: Father and Daugher
Team Nickname: Kentucky

She lists her occupation as “Miss Kentucky 2009,” which I’m not entirely sure qualifies as a job. I foresee a lot of cries of “Daddy!” Then again, she says if she could switch places with anyone it’d be Phil, so I have to give her some credit for taste.

Team: Jill and Thomas
Relationship: Dating
Team Nickname: Team Corporate Synergy

Jill’s life goal is to “have an Eat Pray Love experience in life,” convenient for someone on a show that airs on a network that once owned the studio that released the movie! CONSPIRACY? I THINK….probably not. I hope her dreams are flexible, because during the Race she’ll EAT unappetizing indigenous food, PRAY that her team doesn’t wind up with a lousy cab driver, and LOVE her boyfriend…until the first time he give her the wrong directions to West Dusseldorf.

Team: Katie and Rachel
Relationship: Friends, Beach Volleyball Partners
Team Nicknames: Fake Misty May and Fake Kerri Walsh

Cute blondes with athletic builds…I think I’ve found what team my uncle Ralph will be cheering for.

Team: Michael and Kevin
Relationship: Father and Son
Team Nickname: The Wu’s

I look forward to writing “Wu, Wu, Wu, Kevin Wu!” Michael lists reading as a favorite hobby, which is good, except, y’know, race. Hope all that sitting around has prepared him to run around the world.

P.S.: I know Kenny Wu kept his stick at his waist, but I’m still convinced that could have been called high sticking.

Team: Nat and Kat
Relationship: Friends, Doctors
Team Nickname: They don’t deserve one.

Good lord, they call themselves Nat and Kat. I need to find a friend whose name rhymes with Jeff. The best I can do is…another Jeff.

Team: Rick and Nicky
Relationship: Dating
Team Nickname: Team ‘At Least They Didn’t Rhyme Their Names’

They both cite communication as an issue. Clearly, they’ve never seen the Race, because after Johnathan and Victoria, any other communication issue seems easy.

Team: Ron and Tony
Relationship: Friends
Team Nickname: I like these guys too much to insult them.

Ron is a choreographer who has been in “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat” on Broadway. Tony is working on his doctorate. They may be my favorite team of all time.

So there you have it…the eleven teams we’ll grow to know, choose a few to love, and begrudgingly smile at when someone we hate wins.

This post contains spoilers for the second season of

Last summer, I spent a not-insignificant portion of my week at the shore catching up on the HBO series True Blood. My sister and her friend were both captivated by the dark, edgy show and its portrayal of vampires, which seemed more honest to canon than the ubiquitous Twilight versions. I devoured the first season quickly and caught up on the second in time to watch it finish out in real time, spending the majority of it praying that Maryann, the godlike minotaur who co-opted Sookie’s house and brainwashed the entire town, would go away. With her killed, I thought the third season would prove more watchable.

Boy, was I ever wrong.

Allow me to quote the brilliant folks at A List of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago to sum up why True Blood can’t be trusted to deliver good television anymore:

One friend [of Sookie's] is absent because he is busy turning into a dog to rescue his brother, who also turns into dogs, from his job, which is dog fighting; her other suitor also is missing because he’s a viking secretly carrying out a millenium-old blood feud, the present step of which involves playing best man in a coerced royal vampire wedding held in a torture-chamber basement and officiated by a veteran of the Spanish Inquisition.is suffering w

You see, True Blood was so intriguing – and so good – at the beginning because there was a struggle between vampires and day walkers, and the members of the latter group who supported (or loved) the former. You knew what the stakes were: you knew who was good and who was bad, and you were able to pick a side.

Now, we don’t just have vampires. We have werewolves, the aforementioned deceased minotaurs, shape shifters, and god knows what else. True Blood is suffering from what I’m calling Heroes syndrome, which the superhero drama contracted in its second season, where it seemed everyone and their pet gerbil had a power. When everyone is special, nobody is special, and it makes the reveal much less interesting when you find out someone has an ability. Even Sookie’s telepathy, which was lightly touched on in season one, now seems annoying.

True Blood is, and will probably remain, very popular trash television. But because they sprinkled too much of the mythical gothic fairy dust on all their characters, it has lost its interesting edge, and my attention, for more worthwhile Sunday night viewing.

Previously on the Race, the cowboys went from worst to first, which was awesome, but the WFC succumbed to whiny decision changing and were elimiated. Kind of like the real Phillies. I guess it’s cowboys or nothing.

Welcome to Malaysia. Known for making me too lazy to look up anything up about it, this was the eighth pit stop…in a racearoundtheworld. Jet and Cord get the honor of gambling on pronunciation, and it’s Singapore. They really dodged a bullet on that one. When they get to their destination, teams are to find the host of…TAR Asia? Does he do the eyebrow pop? Because if he doesn’t, that show ain’t winning any Asian Emmys.

It turns out the train to Singapore is a big bunch, which makes sense since there’s a U-Turn ahead. General dislike for the lesbians brews, which, if it continues to be a story line in this episode, pretty much foreshadows them winning.

The Half Gay Brothers find the over-energetic Allan Wu first and get the first stab at the Fast Forward, which, while totally safe, might actually terrify me. They have to ride to the top of a ridiculous ferris wheel then climb across it. No thanks. They finish it largely without incident and finish in first.

The other teams choose between rhythm, which they’re all too white to do, and selling ice cream sandwiches. The cops recognize their lack of rhythm and bail in favor of the Fast Foward, which is always a bad decision if you aren’t the first team out of the chute. Once they see that the Fast Forward is in progress, they turn back towards the detour, only to see that their cab driver has disappeared. Well, that was predictable. Once he returns, they opt to play Fudgy Wudgy men.

Back at the drum Detour, whiteness abounds and almost all the teams debate switching to the ice cream task, which the cops bang out quickly. Such As, meanwhile, finish the drum task and make their way to U-Turning the lesbi…I mean, the Road Block.

Surprise, surprise, they U-Turn the lesbians. Their bitterness in the interviews suggests that it worked.The Road Block involves counting, so people should have ample time to catch up to Such As; people like the cowboys, who finish their Detour, just as we cut to the lesbians and their continued meltdown.

You know what? I don’t care if they use white bread; I want a Singapore ice cream sammich.

Going against type, Such As finish their Road Block quickly (they wisely selected Brent to do the counting), and the task continues on mostly First In, First Out, which means that the lesbians finish the Road Block last, arrive at the mat last, and are Philiminated. Suddenly, with them gone, the rest of the teams are 50% more tolerable.

Next week: teleportation! Lasers! Just kidding…no episode next week.

Getting near the front of the plane apparently pays dividends, because the first three teams to the first route marker fly to the Island of Detours an hour earlier than the stragglers, and that first group is the Halfgay Brothers, the WFCs and Such As, and if, as Caite points out, them being first means the lesbians being kicked off the show, I’m all for it.

Both Detours involve potentially stubborn animals (tortoises and oxen), but I’d pick the one that wouldn’t kill me and that isn’t indelibly linked to the word “stubborn.” Steve and Allie agree with me, but Such As prefer to risk their lives.Then again, waking up for these people is dangerous. When they drop a coconut, the synthesizer of doom sounds, tipping us off that they’ll be penalized later in the episode. Steve and Allie finish their task quickly and adorably and taunt Such As as they pass them, making them my new favorite team, especially since the cowboys are still in last place.

When teams finish their Detour they take boats halfway to another island, and it’s only a matter of time until we get a crossover episode with LOST and the smoke monster kills a team.

Such As learn that they are one coconut short and nearly quit before heading back to get it, giving the lesbians and cops a chance to close the gap. It’s been a while since we’ve seen the cowboys, which worries me…

…and as I type that the cowboys take off, leaving a coconut behind. The synth of doom sounds again, and I’m on the verge of a breakdown.

Steve and Allie finish the leg first, making them Leg F-ing Champs. The half-gay brothers finish just behind them; meanwhile, the lesbians leave a coconut behind just as the cowboys have to turn around. Can they pull out the miracle again?

Yes and no. They make it to the Pit Stop in fifth place but leave the bottle they got at the Road Block, so they have to swim back and the lesbians check in as team number five. The cowboys….are saved by non-Philimination! Next week is not going to be easy. Come on, cowboys…I believe.

Welcome to the French countryside. Once a hotbed of WWII activity, it is now home to stereotypical weaklings who surrender if you breath on them the wrong way. This quaint, verdant land was the fifth pit stop…in a racearoundtheworld.

The cops, having arrived first, are the first to rip their clue and butcher the name of wherever it is they are traveling. Apparently, it’s to a town where French kings went to celebrate their coronations. Because I guess Notre Dame wasn’t fancy enough. Damn tourists. The teams are instructed to find the world’s lamest street musician for their next clue.

For the next ten minutes or so we get to see the typical montage of teams talking to locals and making me embarrassed to be an American. When they arrive at the clue, most teams use local help to figure out where they need to go next, but the cowboys drive straight to the town of Champagne, which is not where they’re supposed to go. I sense that we won’t be hearing the triumphant cowboy music that we have grown to love so much this episode.

Christ, Big Brother is stupid: “Joan of Arc is the guy with all the animals.” But as least they admit it, unlike LIttle Miss Such As, who also think Joan of Arc is Noah.

The road block is to learn a stunty way to open a champagne bottle, and between this and the boot of beer, this has got to be the greatest Race ever. All reality competitions that involve travel should incorporate alcohol. Meanwhile, the cowboys arrive in Champagne the town and begin the trek to correct their mistake. Something tells me that the collective IQ of Big Brother and Such As will ensure that the cowboys will be safe. Let me just find a large tree to knock on.

The cowboys arrive at the proper winery in fifth place and, since this is basically a first-in first-out road block, they don’t run into anyone and leave in fifth. The cops, meanwhile, arrive at the detour destination first, being one of the two teams who were directed correctly by the locals. The half-gay brothers find the wrong destination but find solace in being told where to go by an attractive hostess, which gay brother is thrilled about. Are we sure he’s gay?

On the road, Steve Smith of the WFC Phillies fixes a car with duct tape. As predicted, if you win a championship in Philadelphia you are basically capable of anything.

Dear Lord, there’s mime at the pit stop. We’re getting down there on our list of “stupid things about France.” The cops are the first to encounter the mime and, surprisingly, don’t punch him. The lesbians are next, followed by…Such As, who stumbled upon the Pit Stop while looking for the Detour. Oh, the sweet, sweet irony that the team famous for a speech about maps can’t navigate their way out of a paper bag.

The cowboys hit the Detour with a vengeance and jump ahead of Such As, who, having finally found the proper location, decide that it’s not important to hustle and/or stick to one task. Cue the triumphant cowboy music!

After the cowboys arrive at the Pit Stop, in fourth place, the show really isn’t worth watching anymore, but here’s some highlights: Dan and Jordan’s risky tower-building strategy pays off and they finish fifth, Such As’ tower collapses in a pile of hilariousness and the Travelocity Gnome appears in the commercial that makes me want to poke my eyes out with his hat. In the end it comes down to a battle of the morons, and even Such As’ stupidity can’t make up for Big Brother’s lack of navigation skills, and the just barely avoid a Mercy Philimination and settle for an Original Recipe Philimination.

Next week: tropical locations! Such As meltdowns! 100% less Big Brother! Can you feel the excitement?

Listen, it’s not like I haven’t found plenty of other things to watch since some of my favorite shows disappeared as early as November, but when Lipstick Jungle is the only new original programming on the air, you know it’s time to create some new shows.

First order of business: bring back The Office!

For those of you who are using the downswing in original programming to catch up on series you wish you’d watched but never did, I recommend all three seasons of Veronica Mars, which I got for Christmas and am realizing once more how much I loved. I’ll also throw out the standard recommendations for Arrested Development and Freaks and Geeks. The best part about these three series? They’re no longer on the air, and you won’t find yourself itching for the strike to end to get new episodes. Instead, you’ll just start lamenting their untimely demises.

*This has to be a terrible run-on sentence. Kate?