Previously on “The Amazing Race:” funny hats, polo but not with real horses, the assumption that everyone should speak English, and the elimination of five teams you’ll forget existed by the time this is over. Oh, and I didn’t write anything on my website for more than a year. Let’s see if this kick starts anything.
Welcome to the French countryside. Once a hotbed of WWII activity, it is now home to stereotypical weaklings who surrender if you breath on them the wrong way. This quaint, verdant land was the fifth pit stop…in a racearoundtheworld.
The cops, having arrived first, are the first to rip their clue and butcher the name of wherever it is they are traveling. Apparently, it’s to a town where French kings went to celebrate their coronations. Because I guess Notre Dame wasn’t fancy enough. Damn tourists. The teams are instructed to find the world’s lamest street musician for their next clue.
For the next ten minutes or so we get to see the typical montage of teams talking to locals and making me embarrassed to be an American. When they arrive at the clue, most teams use local help to figure out where they need to go next, but the cowboys drive straight to the town of Champagne, which is not where they’re supposed to go. I sense that we won’t be hearing the triumphant cowboy music that we have grown to love so much this episode.
Christ, Big Brother is stupid: “Joan of Arc is the guy with all the animals.” But as least they admit it, unlike LIttle Miss Such As, who also think Joan of Arc is Noah.
The road block is to learn a stunty way to open a champagne bottle, and between this and the boot of beer, this has got to be the greatest Race ever. All reality competitions that involve travel should incorporate alcohol. Meanwhile, the cowboys arrive in Champagne the town and begin the trek to correct their mistake. Something tells me that the collective IQ of Big Brother and Such As will ensure that the cowboys will be safe. Let me just find a large tree to knock on.
The cowboys arrive at the proper winery in fifth place and, since this is basically a first-in first-out road block, they don’t run into anyone and leave in fifth. The cops, meanwhile, arrive at the detour destination first, being one of the two teams who were directed correctly by the locals. The half-gay brothers find the wrong destination but find solace in being told where to go by an attractive hostess, which gay brother is thrilled about. Are we sure he’s gay?
On the road, Steve Smith of the WFC Phillies fixes a car with duct tape. As predicted, if you win a championship in Philadelphia you are basically capable of anything.
Dear Lord, there’s mime at the pit stop. We’re getting down there on our list of “stupid things about France.” The cops are the first to encounter the mime and, surprisingly, don’t punch him. The lesbians are next, followed by…Such As, who stumbled upon the Pit Stop while looking for the Detour. Oh, the sweet, sweet irony that the team famous for a speech about maps can’t navigate their way out of a paper bag.
The cowboys hit the Detour with a vengeance and jump ahead of Such As, who, having finally found the proper location, decide that it’s not important to hustle and/or stick to one task. Cue the triumphant cowboy music!
After the cowboys arrive at the Pit Stop, in fourth place, the show really isn’t worth watching anymore, but here’s some highlights: Dan and Jordan’s risky tower-building strategy pays off and they finish fifth, Such As’ tower collapses in a pile of hilariousness and the Travelocity Gnome appears in the commercial that makes me want to poke my eyes out with his hat. In the end it comes down to a battle of the morons, and even Such As’ stupidity can’t make up for Big Brother’s lack of navigation skills, and the just barely avoid a Mercy Philimination and settle for an Original Recipe Philimination.
Next week: tropical locations! Such As meltdowns! 100% less Big Brother! Can you feel the excitement?
Jeff is back! Yay!