I understand that I haven’t written a film review in a while, and you have to understand that I haven’t seen anything in a while, and what I’ve seen hasn’t been review-worthy. Take, for instance, Smokin’ Aces, a twisting tale of cops, mobsters, and hit men. It feels like a hodgepodge of second-tier genre movies, too loaded wit adrenaline to stand back and figure out where to go next.

At its best moment, Aces seems like an audition tape for Ryan Reynolds and Jeremy Piven’s inclusion in the cast of Ocean’s 14. Their characters - Reynolds as an FBI agent, Piven as the titular mobster who has inspired a bevy of contract killers to zero in on him - are slick enough to sit alongside the Ocean’s crew and banter their way through organized crime. Throw in Ben Affleck, seen here as a hit man, into the mix for good measure.

When it’s not stumbling awkwardly through borderline witty dialogue, though, the plot is bouncing around like a shoot-em-up home video on Prozac. The killers are after Buddy ‘Aces’ Isreal to keep him from supposedly squealing on a rival mob boss; the FBI and a host of bodyguards are there to protect him. But when the two sides finally collide head-on in the conclusion, it’s too late to save the movie…it’s like a fish that’s been flopping around on a dock for two hours before you get a chance to toss it back into the lake. Don’t get me wrong, watching the gore is fun, but it doesn’t make for a good movie.

I’m a moviegoer who can follow most any story, so let this anecdote serve as your warning before considering Smokin’ Aces: at one point, I turned to my friend and said, verbatim, “This movie is taking forever to end, but at least there’s a lot of silly violence…why is that guy on fire?”

Rating: * * of 5

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