Welcome to North Suburbia, New York. When you spend a decent portion of your episode in two of the highest-profile cities in the world but you put your finish line somewhere where little kids - probably with names like Buffy and Thurston - go to school, you didn’t plan your leg correctly. ‘Sall I’m sayin’. Anyway, it’s only a matter of time until Saint Joseph’s University buys this property and awkwardly names it after a rich alumnus. Until then, it will serve simply as the twelfth and final pit stop…in a racearoundtheworld. Previously, there was a rather enjoyable group of racers. But it got 30% less tolerable when the two most unique teams got knocked out within the first hour. But Peter had his ass handed to him both in the race and in his budding relationship. So there’s some hope for humanity, after all. There are no more eliminations, so the only question left is…who will win? Ignore the accompanying picture.

When we last left our Racers, they were in Barcelona, and missing a pair of extremely attractive young ladies. But that’s okay, because we still have…um…the addicts? Seriously, who’s left in this group that is worth cheering for? Rob and Kimberly (meh) are first to depart the pit stop in Spain, complete with a clue to find a church in the area that has been in construction for more 124 years. Ooh, I know where that is! Right next to the construction at the end of Market Street! No? Well, just about every local that our teams encounter knows where it is, so let’s skip ahead to something that matters…

…let’s see, everyone gets to the airport well before it opens for the morning, so that’s pointless…

…ticket confusion, but everyone gets to the next stop (Paris) around the same time…yawn.

One of the tasks in Paris is a skydiving Roadblock, which Rob really wants to do, but he agrees that Kim should do it based on the clue. When they open it and find out it’s a skydiving task, Rob throws a hissy fit for the ages. Apparently, Rob doesn’t know that you can go skydiving other places than Paris, and you don’t need the Amazing Race to facilitate it. Also? Every train in Paris apparently goes the same place, and there are no repercussions for LynLyn and the addicts when they jump a train ten minutes before the one they bought tickets for. When Rob finds out, he thinks he’s missed his train, and he throws another hissy fit. Friggin pansy. He’s the new Flo.

After the skydiving task, teams travel back to center-city Paris for their Detour, and I forget what the options were because everyone picked what was essentially an unspoken promo for Project Runway. Maybe the other option was a promotion for House where you overdose on Vicodin and attempt to practice medicine. Anyway, not-Tim Gunn is most impressed with the addicts (remember, they’re models) and sends them on their merry way. I’m surprised girly man Rob couldn’t put together a decent jacket.

…oh, here’s something. LynLyn traveled to Paris through Orly Airport instead of Charles de Gaulle, and figure that the best way to their next stop (NYC) is through Orly. But it’s not as big an airport as CdG, and they arrive at the appropriate ticket counter in enough time to be something like #400 on the waiting list. And, for once in the history of the Race, we go to commercial and come back to find out that NOT everyone makes the flight. Only the first 399, which includes Tyler and James. It’s over for LynLyn.

In New York, there doesn’t seem to be too much to do besides…find stuff. But, to the credit of the leg planners, the clues are vague, so the teams have to actually, you know, work and stuff to figure out where they’re going next. ..

…unfortunately, instead of having a grand finish in Central Park, teams have to jump into a taxi and travel to North Suburbia. Why, after a series of challenging clues, would you put teams’ fates in the hands of taxi drivers? Anyway, Tyler and James’ driver has E-Z Pass, Rob and Kim’s doesn’t, and that decides the Race. It’s somewhat awesome, because E-Z Pass is a gift from the heavens, but there’s little reward for running a good leg because it’s essentially a coin flip based on what cab you chose.

So, Tyler and James, you won the million. Go make out with the beauty queens. You know you’ve been wanting to.

Next season: the return of the racers! Dustin and Kandice! Rob and Amber! Fran and Barry?!? God help us. See you at the starting line!

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