Welcome to Hanoi, Vietnam. Home to more than three million people, Hanoi is located in the northern half of Vietnam. Translation: don’t expect an overly friendly welcome, especially if you’re American and you walk around town wearing fatigues. That’s also frowned upon in Lower Merion, especially when you have a bushy beard and a plastic revolver in your car, but that’s another story for another day. Hanoi is capital of unified Vietnam and the oldest capital city in Southeast Asia. More to the point, it was the third pit stop…in a racearoundtheworld.
Last week, it was a mad dash from Beijing to Mongolia, during which teams learned that it may hard out there for a pimp, but at least pimps don’t have to deal with strange yak hybrids like Mongolian nomads. Teams also figured out that you do not…mess…with a triathelete, especially when it comes to shooting flaming arrows or doing humiliating street performances and demanding money for them. Kellie and Jamie got just a little bit lost and showed up at the Roadblock some hours after everyone else, then decided to scrap it entirely and accept their inevitable Philimination. Who will be sent home…next?
Hilariously, just as I was about to start writing this paragraph, Save Farris’ version of “Come on Eileen” came up on my shuffled iTunes list. I kid you not. I-Lean leaves the pit stop in Mongolia first, and I’m sure they’re more than happy to put the last leg behind them. There’s too many jokes in there. I’m gonna let you pick your favorite and pretend I wrote it here. They learn that, to get to their next destination (a prison in Vietnam), they have to use a single travel agency, and that they will have no cash for this leg of the race and can’t beg or barter for it. There goes Peter and Sarah’s Traveling Sideshow (Toora Loora Toora Loo-Rye-Aye).
As they arrive at the travel agency (also known as “the great equalizer for this leg”), teams agree to line up by the order in which they arrived. When it opens, the Miss Americas jump in front of Tom and Jerry, who are wandering aimlessly around the lobby to begin with, causing the boyfriends to crow “They are not going to win a beauty pageant of kindness.” I have a secret for you, fellas: beauty pageants aren’t about kindness, and neither is Racing. So shut it. All teams get on the same plane to Vietnam, anyway, so it matters not.
Vietnam. Prepare yourself for endless reminders of the War in Vi-et-nam, none of them as funny as Forrest Gump or The Big Lebowski. Phil just wanted his mat back. It really pulled the room together. Taxi stand! Duke and Lauren, short on cash, decide to split a cab with a local and wind up half an hour out of their way and without any additional money. Kind of like how my mom spends all this gas money to go to a cheap, fast dry cleaner. Hey, I think they’re Vietnamese too. Wonder if they’re related. Anyway, they arrive before the prison opens. When it does, teams search out former P.O.W., current senator, and future president (believe me) John McCain’s jump suit. That must be degrading for the senator.
For all the coal miner’s postulating about how important it was to him that his father had fought in Vietnam (and there’s plenty of postulating), only WinWin stops to pay their respects, even if it means falling momentarily to last place. They catch up quickly when they, like all the teams except Duke and Lauren, take a cab to the Roadblock. Father and daughter, now penniless, must walk.
Roadblock. Selling flowers. Teams get to keep the money they earn, creating perhaps the best conflict in the past three seasons: should Duke and Lauren stay longer to earn some extra cash, or should they move as quickly as possible and risk only having minimal money? Good job, Amazing Producers. WinWin notes that the Miss Americas are selling flowers more efficiently because, well, they’re hot instead of smart. All of a sudden, all that good will is erased. John McCain is disappointed in you, WinWin.
Teams finish the Roadblock and are instructed to take a bus to Vac. I-Lean waits patiently for a bus at the assigned stop while the rest of the teams just randomly jump on the correct buses as they pass by. This puts our handicapable friends behind quite a bit. Once in Vac, WinWin refuses a motorbike ride to the Detour because they’re “not allowed.” Think that’s gonna be important? Let’s see, because here comes Tom and Jerry, accepting a motorbike ride.
Detour. Coal Bricks or Birdcage Building. Everyone chooses coal bricks. Even Duke and Lauren. But they get lost and wind up at the birdcages. But that isn’t chronologically correct. WinWin finishes first, followed by Tom and Jerry. They arrive at the Pit Stop to learn that their motorbike joyride has cost them a 30-minute penalty. Classic case of read the friggin clue there, guys.
Fortunately for Tom and Jerry, Duke and Lauren’s waylay to the second Detour option puts them more than a half hour behind the pack, and it’s dad and daughter that arrive last. They’re somewhat compassionately Philiminated. Too bad, because she was just about the most uninteresting lesbian since Joey Lauren Adams in Chasing Amy.
This week, more rock climbing. Which makes it really fortunate that Lyn and Karlyn haven’t been Philiminated yet. I think for next week’s recap, I’m just going to put up a link to a YouTube clip of one of the two of them trying to ascent a 90-foot bluff. Awesome. See you at the mat!
From now on, take your own damn shirts to the Chinese laundry.
Great recap Moose. See youat the mat.
Love the props to your frugal frannie mother, Jeffy!
Come on I-Lean!!
Treese