Welcome to Ulan Bator, Mongolia. Come on in, it’s safe. No, we promise there are no Huns here out to kill you. Mongolia is known for its unique architecture, fascinating indigenous animals, and words that are really hard to spell, even when anglicized. But enough about this country that we really really promise you won’t get killed in. In the heart of Ulan Bator is the Hotel Mongolia, which served as the second pit stop…in a racearoundtheworld. Last week, teams raced from Seattle to Beijing, where they learned that slow and steady, at least in the first leg, got you nothing but trouble, as Bilal and Sa’eed were Philiminated quicker than a Cleveland Browns’ quarterback getting sacked and Vipul and Arti couldn’t overcome their total lack of directional fortitude and were more compassionately Philiminated. Who will get their heads chopped off (but not by Mongols! We swear!)…next?
First to leave the pit stop in Beijing are Tyler and James, who are so impressed with the turnaround in their own lives that they actually say “pinch me, I must be dreaming.” Well, opiates will do that do ya. They are instructed to go to a bus stop, where they’ll hop a charter to Outer Mongolia. While waiting for the bus, they are caught by “My Daughter is a Lesbian” (this fall on NBS!), Team I-Lean (kudos to Theresa C. for the name of the week), the Miss Americas, and Rob and Kimberly. Rob interviews that they’ve reached a certain level of their relationship now that they need to test it. To all my future girlfriends: at the three-month dating mark, we’re going on national television to “test the relationship.” This group leaves at midnight, the rest two hours later. As the “back pack” is waiting to leave, The Coal Miner’s Wife remarks that she’s never met Asians or gays before, and “buddy, I like them.” I want to give her points for tolerance, but that was just too funny not to mention.
The bus takes everyone to a train, where Peter and Peg decide to put on a show to try to make money. She hobbles around on her leg, which continues to lose hydraulic fluid, and essentially panhandles the poor Chinese nationals, striking a huge blow to decades worth of people getting used to the term “handicapable.” All teams get on the same train to Mongolia, so that whole two-hour gap was…everyone, together now…pointless. And I feel like mixing some Vicodin with bodybuilding supplements and seeing if I get an “allergic reaction.”
Teams arrive in Mongolia and view a traditional sideshow…I mean, religious ceremony, then are instructed to make their way via Russian military jeep to the village of Terelj (fun pronunciation lessons ensue) and by horseback to a meadow, where a nomad and their next clue will be waiting. Does anyone else get the sense that the “nomads” and other locals that run these tasks are tantamount to Aladdin in the Magic Kingdom? Somewhere there might be a real Aladdin, but he ain’t it. I-Lean and the Miss Americas get there first, and The Coal Miner’s Wife would have been third were it not for the local they co-opted directing them into a mud bank. Gays and Asians they like. Mongols? Not so much. Elsewhere in car troubles, Tyler and James blow a tire, but they are less than excited when they learn it isn’t that kind of blow, and Kellie and Jamie stall out. They’ll learn very quickly that it’s the theme of their day.
On the way to the meadow, Kandice gets thrown from her horse, but it’s far less funny and exciting than I thought it would be. At the Detour, teams choose between Take it Down – packing up a gigantic nomad tent – and Fill it Up – guiding an indigenous beast known as a hynik (but let’s just call it a yak, because that’s what it is) to a river and filling up some jugs, then going back and filling a larger jug to a pre-determined line. Kind of like Double Dare, with yak spit instead of green slime.
I-Lean opts for Pack it Up, but they fight too much over it, and switch to Fill it Up. But when their yak runs away, presumably to hide from the humiliation, they return to the nomad tent and get out of there rather quickly. The Miss Americas finish more quickly, but I guess one of them was practicing her juggling routine with her helmet, and lost it. Searching for it puts them a few spots behind. Teams begin to head to their next destination, the Hotel Mongolia.
Slowly but surely, everyone completes the Detour without much to make fun of, and slowly but surely they arrive at the Hotel, where they come upon the Roadblock, which involves shooting a flaming arrow at a target. Peter finishes this rather quickly, being a triathlete and all, and Team I-Lean gets first place, which earns them a Mexican vacation. Never has a reward been so unrelated to the leg of the race, but who’s gonna be excited about a vacation to Mongolia? Tyler and James wind up in second, yadda yadda yadda.
Not so quick in arriving at the Roadblock are Kellie and Jamie or Lyn and Karlyn, who both have directional problems. This winds up worse for Kellie and Jamie, who arrive at the Hotel well after check-in time, and they are so tired that they don’t even finish the Roadblock, opting instead to just lumber up to the mat and take their Philimination like grownups. Cute girls, we hardly knew ye.
This week, nobody gets any money at the beginning of the leg and will have to earn it. Will I-Lean’s song and dance work again? Tune in and find out. See you at the mat!